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Don't tell me to get over it; Don't tell me to be strong
Don't tell me time's a healer; Don't tell me to move on
I need my time to grieve; I need my time alone
No one else can rush me; I need to do this on my own
Yes, it may take a while; Yes, it may take years
Yes, I may shout and scream; And cry so many tears
But only when I am ready; Not because you tell me so
For when the time is right; I will be the one to know
Coping with life after the death of someone close to you can be very hard.
Grief is a normal response to loss. It often brings physical and emotional pain. Shock, anger, guilt, regret, numbness and loneliness are some emotions that most people feel.
Unfortunately, there is no magic wand to take away the pain. Grief is something you have to work through. There is no set time to say when you will feel better. Sometimes you might find that you take two steps forwards and then three steps backwards.
If you have been expecting someone close to you to die, at first you may feel numb. This is nature's way of helping you realise and accept the death. If the death is sudden and unexpected, your reaction may be disbelief.
It may take time to understand what has happened and you may feel a great deal of pain because you have not had the chance to say goodbye.
You may find yourself expecting your loved one to suddenly arrive and hear familiar sounds like their key in the door, or feel their presence in the room. Accept these things as part of the process of grieving, which will eventually lead you through this terrible time.
Some people are affected physically by the death of their loved one. Some people can't sit still and become hyperactive. Others have headaches, shortness of breath, chest pains, dizziness, lack of concentration or depression. Some find it difficult to sleep and some experience bad dreams.
Don't be alarmed - it's unlikely that you will suffer any of these symptoms. It is just important to realise that an emotional shock can produce physical symptoms. You should speak to your doctor if you have any symptoms over a period of time.
Do not be afraid of crying or showing emotion. Tears relieve emotional stress and there is nothing to be ashamed of. Most people have times when they feel angry - angry that they have been left or that the doctor did not prevent the death, or angry that the life was not fulfilled and that there are plans left unfinished.
You might also feel guilt. "If only ..." is a common feeling and is natural after a death. Talking about these feelings with a close friend or family member may help you.
Many people choose to withdraw from social contact, feeling unable to face the outside world. You may feel like this, but grieving is difficult enough without having to do it all on your own.
Allow yourself time to grieve and adjust to your new situation. Always take time before making any major decisions such as moving house. The most important healing can come from talking. It may help to go over what happened many times with family and friends. Talking about your feelings may also help. There may possibly be a local support group in your area which are of enormous help. Sharing your experiences with people who are experiencing the same emotions as you are and really understand how you feel. If that's not for you, then you can reach out to a telephone service.
The life you had before your loved one passed away will never be the same again. You have to recognise and accept this but in time, you will come to terms with what has happened. Try to recognise the danger signs of becoming too dependent on medicines or alcohol to "get you through" as these certainly won't help in the long term. You may find keeping a diary or writing down your thoughts helpful, and you never need to show your writing to anyone.
I am a qualified bereavement support counsellor and I, too, have been bereaved in the past couple of years. I have recently started a bereavement support group in my local area. So if you live in the Mildenhall, Suffolk area, why not join us for a couple of hours each week (usually midweek lunchtimes but flexible) at different venues, for coffee, cake or lunch, plenty of chat but most importantly, support from like-minded people who are all recently bereaved and can fully understand and sympathise with you. Please do not suffer alone and in silence. Men especially welcome to keep our only gentleman company! Contact me for more information.
The mountain of paperwork and administration one has to tackle following a death, at a time when they absolutely least wish to do it, can seem like a mammoth task. I can help with this. I have personal first hand experience of dealing with post death administration, but I am also a legal professional and have worked for many years undertaking probate type work, and am therefore well-versed in legal speak!
I will help you wade through the mountain of paperwork and admin that requires completion, contact everyone that should be aware of the death and deal with the responses appropriately, I can accompany you to register the death from the outset and generally just take the whole process off of your shoulders and allow you breathing space and essential healing time to come to terms with what has happened. I will keep you fully informed every step of the way and you remain in complete charge of everything.
I cannot of course, authorise or sign documents on your behalf but I can be right beside you to offer my support, explain everything and help you deal with everything that needs to be done.
Please contact me to obtain a note of my fees.
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